How to Plan a Wedding

As most of you know, I am getting married in late June to a wonderful guy.

Like all other brides, I am the keeper of all secrets related to planning a wedding. I could plan one in my sleep. In fact, I do! Let me save all you future brides some trouble and bestow my wisdom and knowledge upon you, in 20 easy-to-follow steps:

  1. Set your budget high and your expectations low
    This is the most important step, because it makes all following steps that much less soul crushing. If you don’t do this, the only thing you’ll be setting up for is a world of pain and disappointment.
  2. Figure out the guest list
    Quickly realize that you can’t invite all of your friends. Invite a few frenemies just to rub your happiness in their face.
  3. Pick a venue
    At this point you’re still able to laugh at the ridiculous quotes thrown your way. Find the place that just barely doesn’t fit your budget and say, “This is the only thing we’ll splurge on.” Comfort yourself in that warm, fuzzy blanket of denial.
  4. Choose the food
    A self-declared foodie, this step is very important to you. That’s why you choose the vendor that comes with a frozen margarita machine.
  5. Find your dress
    Go to the bridal shop you’ve been eyeing since it opened, even before you were out of high school. Find the perfect dress, and when you ask the girl who’s helping you how much it costs, laugh nervously as you ask her to unclip you from your fitting. Keep laughing as you put on your shorts and T-shirt, and walk backwards slowly, out of the shop and into your car. Peel out of the parking lot. Find your dress online.
  6. Pick your colors
    Look at Pinterest for inspiration. This step will only inspire you to lower your opinion of people’s taste, and really people in general. Embrace the “rustic aesthetic” that everyone else seems to love or, better yet, say no to Mason jar anything and realize you’re all alone in this.
  7. Send out the invitations
    Forget print invitations and go with the more affordable e-vite option. This will be the only thing you’re proud of.
  8. Figure out flowers
    Email florists, who will say they’re overwhelmed with Valentine’s Day orders and ask you to check back after the Hallmark holiday. Check in on February 15th. Never get a response.
  9. Order a cake
    Ask wedding cake companies for a quote. At this point you’re not laughing. You say, “Thanks for this information!” and opt to get a non-fancy cake at your favorite bakery. WIN.
  10. Start your diet
    Think, “I should probably start my wedding diet” as you pour yourself a bottle of wine to wash down that delivery pizza.
  11. Yell at your future spouse
    Because he’s there and he just wants to help. But that’s just not good enough, is it? Then cry, because sympathy.
  12. Find a photographer
    Ask photographers if they’re willing to not do the “lame shit,” where they have you look serious as if your wedding were a poorly directed fashion shoot.
  13. Choose your decorations
    At this point you’re at least $2,000 over budget. You look around your home to see if anything’s worthy of a ceremony backdrop. Nothing is. Drink a bottle of wine.
  14. Find a wedding planner
    Tell her you basically got this shit, you just need someone to ensure your Pinterest-fail wedding goes off without a hitch. You will probably call this person your savior a million times. You will probably want to marry her, too.
  15. Have a bachelorette party
    I’m guessing this will be good practice to understand that you can’t please everyone. But that’s okay, because you will be 20 drinks in and feeling pretty good about everything.
  16. Smile and nod
    For days.
  17. Book your rehearsal dinner
    See if the pizza place you got delivery from in Step 10 also hosts large parties. They do? Great!
  18. Pick out music
    Wait, a step that doesn’t require a $1,000 deposit? You’ll remember why you wanted this wedding in the first place.
  19. Order wedding bands
    Watch your fiancé try on wedding bands and giggle uncontrollably like you’re a 12-year-old with no right to be getting married.
  20. Get married
    Haven’t gotten to this step yet, but I think it’s where you see thousands of dollars vanish in 4 hours and even though it’s a blur, it’s one that you’ll replay in your head over and over again and reminisce with your husband for the rest of your lives.

You’re welcome.